You're Not “Too Much”, And You're Not “Not Enough”: Releasing the Story That's Been Following You
Constantly monitoring yourself in a relationship is exhausting.
You may know the feeling: softening your opinion before you share it. Waiting to see how he feels before you decide how you feel. Bracing yourself a little every time you need something - because at some point in your life, needing something has felt like a problem.
If you've ever caught yourself thinking maybe I'm too much - or its quieter twin, I'm just not enough - you already know what this post is about. And if you've carried that story into a new relationship, one where the person in front of you is actually kind and present and not going anywhere, you may have noticed something strange: the story doesn't always automatically stop just because the relationship changed.
That's not a sign that the story is true. It's a sign that it's been with you for a long time. And it's worth looking at where it actually came from.
Where This Story Started
In my therapy sessions with clients, one of the first things I'll ask is: when is the earliest memory you have of feeling this way? I like to begin here because the story almost never started where we think it did.
For many women, it started long before the relationship that brought them to therapy. It started in childhood, in family dynamics, in early experiences that sent the message - sometimes loudly, sometimes in the quietest possible way - that their emotions were inconvenient, their needs were too much, or that love had conditions attached to it.
And then, in a confusing or painful relationship, that story got reinforced. The rules were being played differently between her and her partner. She was asked, (whether implicitly, explicitly, or both), to manage more, need less, apologize more, take up less space.
Here is what I want to be clear about: this is not about what you failed to see, or what you should have known, or what you chose. It's about what was placed upon you, when you were too young to even understand. We are wired for connection. When connection feels threatened, we adapt. You, your brain, and your body did what made sense to do given the context of what you were working with. That younger version of you did her best to maintain love and safety. I believe she deserves compassion, not blame.
How the Story Shows Up in a New Relationship
The tricky thing about this story is that it doesn't announce itself. It just quietly runs things from the background.
It might look like saying oh, it's fine, I'm not going to make a big deal out of it when something actually does matter to you. It might look like feeling a low hum of shame when you have a need, a feeling, or a non-negotiable, as if having those things makes you “difficult.” It might look like pretending to be okay when you're not, because letting yourself be seen in a moment of need feels too risky.
It might look like waiting to be found out. Like some part of you is bracing for the moment your partner finally sees the real you - all of you - and decides it's too much.
And here's one that surprises a lot of women when we name it: it can look like self-sufficiency that goes too far. Handling everything yourself, never asking for help, being so low-maintenance that you become invisible - not because you don't have needs, but because having them feels dangerous. Or that you’ve never learned that some people, safe people, can be trusted to hold something for you.
These aren't personality traits. They are protective strategies. And they made sense at one point in time.
A Story Is Not the Same as the Truth
One of the most beautiful and important shifts that happens in our work is the moment a woman starts to separate the story from the facts.
A story is something we absorbed, often so gradually that it started to feel like just the way things are - like a fact about ourselves rather than a narrative we inherited. The truth is something we can actually examine. We can hold it up to the light and ask questions.
Whose voice first said you were too much? What did that person need, in that moment, that made your fullness inconvenient for them? What were they carrying that had nothing to do with you?
This isn't about anger or assigning blame. It's about creating a larger context and understanding that what was said about you, expected of you, or implied about you, and existed before you. And it lives in them even after you. You were not the origin of that story. It was just handed to you.
We do this work carefully and on an individual basis, because none of it is about letting anyone off the hook. Some things were unintentional. Some were not. What matters is identifying what responsibility is actually yours to carry, and what parts you've been carrying that were never yours to begin with.
When women explore these early experiences, something often shifts in how they talk about themselves. The stories get rewritten - not to be rosier than reality, but to be more accurate to the context of your life. They are more compassionate toward a child who did her best, and an adult woman who found herself in a bewildering situation and did her best there too.
The Cost of Keeping Yourself Small
There is a very real cost to the constant self-monitoring that comes with this story.
As we mentioned earlier, is exhausting. It takes up an enormous amount of energy to track yourself the way women with this story tend to do: pre-editing your emotions, anticipating reactions, or staying small enough that there's nothing to criticize.
Over time, self-abandonment becomes invisible. You stop noticing you're doing it. You lose track of what you actually want, feel, or need. And it’s not because those things aren't there, but because you've been overriding them for so long that the signal gets so quiet you can barely hear it anymore.
And the loss is real: you end up in a relationship with a false version of yourself. Your partner is loving someone who is only partially real. And you never get to find out what it actually feels like to be fully known and fully accepted - because you never let yourself be fully seen.
People-Pleasing Lives Here Too
The too much / not enough story and people-pleasing are deeply connected. When your worth feels conditional - when love has historically come with rules on what it means to be lovable - keeping others comfortable becomes a way of staying safe.
It makes complete sense. And it is worth its own conversation. Read more in [What People-Pleasing Is Really About (And Why Stopping It Isn't as Simple as Just Saying No)].
What It Looks Like to Start Reclaiming Yourself
As with a lot of healing, reclaiming your whole self doesn't begin with flipping a switch on suddenly feeling confident or finally having the hard conversation or just waking up one day and knowing your worth.
It begins with a tiny message from your body, and actually listening to it.
Maybe it's noticing, for the first time in a while, that you're about to say oh it's fine when it isn't fine. And taking a pause. Not necessarily saying anything yet, just noticing. That moment of noticing is the seed. Getting data on how often you are making yourself smaller or sacrificing little bits of your true self.
From there it grows. It can be a small no that you honor. It could be naming a feeling you’re having out loud instead of swallowing it. It could be expressing your preference without immediately softening it. These moments are not small. They are the actual work.
And something starts to happen in the room - and I mean this literally, I have watched it happen - there is an energy of love, confidence, and readiness that begins to grow. It shows up in how the way a woman talks about herself changes. Her stories become more accurate, more contextual, more compassionate. She starts to take up the space she was always entitled to.
Confidence Is Not a Personality Trait
Confidence is not something you either have or you don't. It is not a fixed quality that some women were born with and others weren't.
It is built through self-trust, like making small commitments to yourself and keeping them. It is build through self-compassion, by beginning to understand why these patterns are still hanging around and without making it mean something permanent about who you are. It is built through self-acceptance, by letting the full version of yourself be present, and discovering that the full version is not too much but just right.
These are the transformations I see unfold in therapy, and they are completely available to you.
You do not have to earn your place in your own relationship. You never did.
For more on what this healing process looks like from the beginning, read When the Past Follows You Into a New Relationship: A Guide for Women Rebuilding Trust in Themselves.
You Don't Have to Carry This Story Forever
I can’t wait for the moment when you realize that this story about being too much or not enough is simply that - a story that was never actually about you.
The work of putting that story down is real work and it is some of the most worthwhile work there is. You don't have to do it alone.
If you're looking for a therapist in Fairfax VA, or anywhere in Virginia, and this resonates - let's have a conversation. You don't have to keep navigating this on your own. Schedule a free consultation to see if we'd be a good fit to work together.
Brittany Schnurr, LMFT, is a licensed therapist who helps capable, self-aware women move beyond fear, overthinking, self-doubt, and relationship anxiety so they can trust themselves and build relationships that feel calm, secure, and deeply fulfilling. Her work is especially focused on women healing after painful or toxic relationships — whether they're ready to date again but are terrified of ending up with someone just like their ex, or they're struggling to feel safe even when life or love is finally healthy.
Using a warm, collaborative approach that integrates deep exploratory work, somatic tools, and grounded strategies of change, Brittany helps clients understand the deeper patterns driving their anxiety so women can finally feel at home in themselves and in their relationships. She offers online therapy for women in Fairfax, Ashburn, McLean, Haymarket, and Great Falls, VA and online across Virginia and Connecticut through her private practice and shares compassionate insights about relationships, trauma recovery, self-trust, and emotional well-being through her blog.