How to Let Go of Perfectionism When Everything Feels Out of Control
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Right now, everything is feeling out of control. For many of us, our instinct is to grab onto whatever we can to control MORE, so we start to feel more secure and safe. Unfortunately, in this situation with the current global pandemic many of our lives are completely upside down and it might feel like there’s not much we can control. Not to mention sometimes in the effort to control more in our lives, we resist what is actually happening around us, and we start to become disconnected with our own feelings and with our loved ones. It can trigger irritability, decision paralysis, and anxiety. You may be frustrated with people around you who are not taking this seriously. You may be struggling with the fact that you can’t buy the “exactly right” food you would normally pick up. You may be getting upset with your normal routine being thrown off. With so many changes, it can be easy to forget that the way you take care of yourself IS in your control! If you struggle with perfectionism, here are some reminders and tips to help.
Let go of any measuring stick.
Realize that there actually is NO PERFECT WAY of responding right now, and none of us have a measuring stick for you. We are all pretty lost right now. All you can do is do the best you can.
It is okay to be kind to yourself.
Are you beating yourself up? What types of messages are you sending to yourself every day? There is no need to berate yourself for not being perfect. Give yourself credit for little things that you are doing well. Praise yourself for making any progress. Good enough really is good enough.
Sit with the unknowing.
This is a hard one. This is one you might feel some resistance on, but give it a try. Allow yourself to sit in a quiet space, or just a quiet moment in your mind, to let yourself really feel. Visualize yourself pushing through a thick layer of perfectionism down to what is underneath. What is there? Uncertainty? Fear? Be with those feelings. Let them in. Examine them, thank them for showing up and trying to protect you, and then let them go.
Decide how you want to choose to respond.
Press pause on your autopilot for a moment. Take a second and make an active choice (choices- something you can control!). How do YOU want to respond to this current unfamiliar situation? How would you like the story to be of how you acted? If you’re struggling with this, visualize your ideal self. Imagine how she’d react and roll with the times. Imagine her generosity, patience, and grace.
Slow down and breathe deeply.
When you feel the impulse or you feel stuck in perfectionism, turn this into a signal to slow down and breathe. This can be almost like a symbolic stop sign, to take a break. Take deep, slow breaths. Again, let yourself feel what you need to feel. Welcome in the stress, fear, frustration. Cry. Breathe deeply, and release them.
Know that acting imperfectly is still an action!
Sometimes making any action is better than stalling because the circumstances aren’t perfect.
Do an inner child meditation.
Take a moment and close your eyes. Picture yourself as a child. What does she need? Is your perfectionism actually helping her right now? (probably not!) How does she need you to show up for her right now? Embrace her and give her the comfort she needs.
Direct any of these practices toward people who may be triggering your perfectionism.
Remember that they are also people, doing the best they can with what they have. They also have their own stuff coming up in the face of this pandemic. Also remember that their actions are not (and really never are) in your control, but your response to them is.
I hope you try out these reminders and ideas, and they help you feel a little bit less rigid and a little bit more “okay” right now. The massive amount of uncertainty and change are a lot to deal with. Self-compassion and slowing down are some ways that can help you get through this new territory.
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If you’re struggling with all of the changes happening related to the current coronavirus pandemic, or if you have other personal goals that you are trying to get a handle on, know that you are not alone. This is a challenging time for everyone, with so much uncertainty. If you are feeling especially overwhelmed, anxious, or vigilant, remember you can reach out to a therapist trained in anxiety or trauma to support you! We are here for you.
If you’d like to work with me, set up a free 15 minute phone consultation by contacting me here or call me at 860-384-7626. Let’s chat!
Brittany Hankard, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Connecticut and Virginia. Brittany owns an online private practice called Vibrant Solutions LLC. Brittany loves to help smart, driven, people-pleasing women move from self-doubt and perfectionism to confidence and clarity about their lives. If you are interested in working with her, click here to set up a consult or call 860-384-7626.
